Having a Narcissistic Parent

Manipulation techniques.

Being the child of a narcissistic mother or father is difficult, to say the least. Narcissistic parents expose their children to significant emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical abuse. They use mind games to manipulate, make their child feel guilty or ashamed for things they didn’t do, and take credit for the child’s successes.

On top of that, narcissistic parents wear two masks: one for the outside world and one at home. To outsiders, they often appear friendly, charming, and social. At home, however, they reveal a very different side of themselves—spiteful, jealous, angry, easily upset, and controlling. For a child, this contrast is confusing, frustrating, and deeply painful. It’s distressing to watch their parent act so differently in public, especially when others refuse to believe that this “wonderful person” is, in reality, an abusive parent.

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At Barends Psychology Practice, treatment for children of narcissists is being offered. Contact us to schedule your first, free appointment.

Why Do Narcissistic Parents Behave the Way They Do?

For a child of a narcissistic parent, it’s extremely difficult to understand why their parent behaves the way they do. Unlike typical parents, narcissistic parents do not express love, interest, kindness, or devotion. Instead, they are often manipulative, selfish, mean, uninterested, uncaring, and sometimes even cruel. But why?

In short: Narcissistic people often experienced a traumatic childhood and developed coping mechanisms to survive. These coping mechanisms are designed to keep them as far away from emotional pain as possible.

Explanation:

As children, narcissists often experienced various forms of abuse, including emotional abuse, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, and/or physical abuse. Abusive parents are often emotionally unavailable, leaving the child craving attention, reassurance, love, and affection. Unfortunately, discussing emotions with an abusive parent is difficult, if not impossible. Growing up in such conditions forces the child to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with their own emotions (sadness, anger, frustration, resentment), needs (affection, love, attention), and desires (to feel appreciated, accepted, reassured, and cared for).

One common short-term coping mechanism is to ignore these emotions, needs, and desires altogether. By pretending they don’t exist, the child protects themselves from emotional pain. If pain does arise, they seek ways to push it away. Often, bullying becomes a way to regain a sense of power, control, and attention.

Because their positive behaviors never earned them the love, affection, or attention they needed, they turn to negative behaviors—lying, manipulation, and threats—to achieve those needs. Their unresolved desires lead to deep resentment and jealousy, making them incapable of giving others what they so desperately needed themselves.

Narcissistic people suffer tremendously from their childhood traumas, and this pain is too much for them to bear. To cope, they either deny its existence or lash out at others to ease their own suffering. Another defense mechanism is shutting off their empathy. Since expressing emotions as children led to rejection or punishment, they learned to suppress vulnerability, fearing that others might take advantage of them—just as they do to others.

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How Do Narcissistic Parents See Their Children?

Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. As long as the child poses no threat and makes them proud, they may treat them indifferently or even favorably. However, the moment the child becomes difficult or fails to meet expectations, they become an obstacle—a problem the narcissistic parent does not want to deal with. Unfortunately, narcissistic parents do not view their children as individuals with their own needs, desires, and potential for personal growth. Instead, they expect their children to serve their interests and enhance their image. However, there is one key distinction in how they treat their children:

Golden Child vs. Scapegoat

Golden Child: Sometimes, narcissistic parents designate one child as the “golden child.” This child is seen as perfect, the best at everything, and incapable of doing wrong. The narcissistic parent enforces this belief onto the child, which comes with its own set of long-term consequences. The golden child is viewed as an extension of the narcissistic parent—since the narcissist sees themselves as flawless, their “golden” child must also be perfect.

Scapegoat: In contrast, the scapegoat is blamed for everything wrong in the family. They are constantly criticized, never good enough, and always at fault—even when they’ve done nothing wrong. The scapegoat represents all the imperfections the narcissist refuses to acknowledge in themselves. Since the narcissist perceives themselves as perfect, any failures or shortcomings must be blamed on someone else. This dynamic is especially common in families with multiple children. Sometimes, the narcissist assigns a new golden child or scapegoat over time, while in other cases, these roles remain fixed.

Wearing Two Masks

As mentioned earlier, narcissistic parents behave differently in public than they do at home. But why?

Despite appearing arrogant and overconfident, narcissists are deeply insecure and crave constant admiration and attention.

In public, they present themselves as social, charming, funny, and friendly—because being likable ensures they receive admiration and validation. Friendly and charismatic people naturally attract more attention, making it easier to boast about their own achievements or those of their golden child. This validation is exactly what narcissists seek. If someone fails to admire or praise them enough, they will harbor resentment.

At home, however, their true nature is revealed. This is where they emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abuse their children. They do this because it makes them feel powerful, in control, and superior. This constant reinforcement feeds their ego. If their child makes them feel good about themselves, they may not be overtly abusive. However, the moment the child threatens their ego—by standing out, succeeding independently, or failing to comply with their expectations—they will punish them.

This unpredictability makes life with a narcissistic parent extremely difficult for a child. The child never knows which behavior will provoke their parent’s wrath, leading to a constant state of anxiety—walking on eggshells. The tension at home is palpable, and in an instant, everything can change.

Narcissistic parents use various forms of punishment, including:

Ignoring their child entirely
Threatening them
Guilt-tripping them (e.g., “Because you can’t play the piano well, Mommy looks like a fool”)
Exercising excessive parental control

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How Do Narcissistic Parents Abuse and Punish Their Children?

Narcissistic parents use various methods to manipulate, control, and punish their children. Here are some of the most common ways they do this:

Emotional Blackmailing: A narcissistic mother or father must always get what they want. To achieve this, they use emotional blackmail, making their child feel guilty, responsible, or afraid. Here are some examples:
- “If you tell your dad about this, we will divorce—and that will be your fault.” → They want you to stay silent forever.
- “Because I got pregnant with you, I can’t do fun things anymore.” → They want you to feel guilty and obey them to make up for it.
- “If you become the best in your class, I will love you like never before.” → They want you to work excessively hard to earn their love.
- “If you keep acting like this, you’ll give me a headache.” → They want peace and quiet.
- “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” → They make you feel like you owe them, so you comply.
- “If you don’t do this for me, I will never forgive you.” → They use threats of rejection or abandonment to control you.
Excessive Parental Control: By controlling every aspect of their child’s life—what they say, do, or even think—narcissistic parents keep their children dependent on them. This can manifest in many ways:
- Dictating friendships: They decide who you can and cannot be friends with.
- Choosing your career: They pressure you into a profession that benefits their image rather than what you want.
- Controlling appearance: They criticize your clothing, weight, or hairstyle to ensure you fit their ideal.
- Monitoring communication: They read your messages, emails, or diary to invade your privacy and assert control.
This control can lead to serious self-esteem issues, autonomy struggles, and indecisiveness in adulthood—for example, constantly second-guessing your choices, even in simple decisions like what to order at a restaurant.

Claiming Your Success: If you accomplish something significant, become successful, or are admired, your narcissistic parent will likely take credit for it. They may say:
- “You wouldn’t be where you are today without me.”
- “I sacrificed so much for you. You owe me.”
- “Of course, you’re talented—it runs in the family.”
At the same time, they demand that you perform exceptionally well, adding pressure and stress. If you fail or struggle, they may say:
- “I knew you weren’t good enough.”
- “You embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
Denying Emotional Recognition: Narcissistic parents do not acknowledge their child’s emotions, needs, or desires. They may:
- 1. Ignore you when you express feelings or needs. Example: You tell them you’re feeling anxious, and they roll their eyes and say, “Stop being dramatic.”
- 2. Redirect the conversation to themselves. Example: You talk about your bad day at school, and they respond, “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about my day!”
- 3. Exploit your needs or desires for their benefit. Example: You ask for help with a school project, and they say, “I’ll help you, but only if you clean the entire house first.”
- 4. Make you feel guilty for seeking support. Example: You express frustration, and they respond, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
Other Forms of Abuse
1. Lying to their child and being generally untrustworthy. Example: They promise to pick you up after school but “forget” and blame you for not reminding them.
2. Neglecting the child’s needs (physical or emotional). Example: Ignoring signs of distress or refusing to take you to the doctor when you’re sick.
3. Ignoring or devaluing the child’s presence. Example: Walking past you without acknowledging your existence, only speaking to you when they need something.
4. Violating personal boundaries. Example: Reading your diary, going through your belongings, or insisting that you have no right to privacy.
5. Manipulating and punishing for their own pleasure. Example: Deliberately creating conflicts to watch you suffer and then enjoying the power they have over your emotions.
6. Being inconsistent—saying one thing today and the opposite tomorrow. Example: Allowing you to go out one day, then punishing you for the same action the next day.
7. Using personal information against you later. Example: You confide in them about a fear, and later they mock you for it in front of others.
8. Insulting the child. Example: “You’ll never amount to anything” or “No one will ever love you.”
9. Making the child feel insane (gaslighting). Example: Denying things they said or did, making you question your own memory and reality.
10. Instilling guilt for disobedience. Example: “If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”
Additionally, narcissistic parents frequently employ mind games to achieve their goals. To learn more about these psychological tactics, read our guide on dealing with a narcissist.
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What Problems Do Children of Narcissists Face in Adulthood?

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often results in long-term psychological struggles. These issues affect relationships, self-worth, decision-making, and mental well-being. Here are some of the most common difficulties, along with how they impact adult life:
- 1. Childhood Trauma or Complex PTSD. Narcissistic parents create an unstable and often unsafe environment. The unpredictability—one day they praise you, the next they tear you down—leads to chronic stress and anxiety. Example: A child grows up constantly walking on eggshells, afraid that any small mistake will trigger their parent’s rage. As an adult, they may flinch at loud voices, feel tense in social situations, or struggle with panic attacks triggered by perceived criticism.
- 2. Negative Self-Image. Narcissistic parents condition their children to believe they are never good enough. They might say things like:
  - “You’re so ungrateful! You’ll never succeed without me.”
  - “Stop being so sensitive. You’re always overreacting.”
  Example: An adult who was frequently belittled as a child may feel incompetent at work, even when praised by colleagues. They may downplay their achievements or believe they don’t deserve success, leading to imposter syndrome.
- 3. Co-Dependency. Since narcissistic parents demand constant validation, their children grow up prioritizing others’ needs over their own. They learn that love is conditional, and they must earn it by pleasing others. Example: As an adult, they may:
  - Stay in toxic relationships, excusing their partner’s bad behavior.
- 4. Intense Shame. Children of narcissists often feel ashamed for failing to meet impossible expectations. If they were criticized for their appearance, intelligence, or personality, they may grow up feeling deeply flawed. Example: A woman whose mother constantly criticized her weight may struggle with body dysmorphia as an adult, never feeling attractive no matter how much weight she loses.
- 5. Underdeveloped Identity. Narcissistic parents shape their child’s identity to serve their needs. The child is not allowed to express their own interests, emotions, or goals. Example: A man forced into law school to satisfy his father’s ego may wake up at 35 realizing he never wanted to be a lawyer. He may struggle to figure out what he truly enjoys.
- 6. Trust Issues and Fear of Abandonment. Because narcissistic parents are manipulative and unreliable, their children grow up expecting betrayal. Example: An adult raised by a narcissist may:
  - Assume friends or partners will hurt them, so they self-sabotage relationships.
  - Be hypervigilant, constantly looking for signs of rejection.
- 7. Anxiety and Perfectionism. Since narcissistic parents often demand perfection, their children develop severe performance anxiety. Example: A woman whose mother only praised her when she got straight A’s might develop crippling perfectionism, leading to procrastination or burnout in her career.
- 8. Unhealthy Relationship Patterns. Many children of narcissists end up in relationships that mirror their childhood. They unconsciously seek partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or abusive because it feels familiar. Example: A man raised by a dismissive, critical mother may repeatedly date emotionally cold women who make him feel unworthy—just like his mother did.
- 9. Risk of Becoming Narcissistic. Some children, especially the golden child, grow up modeling their narcissistic parent’s behavior. If they were praised for being better than others, they might develop narcissistic tendencies themselves. Example: A woman raised as “Mom’s perfect little princess” might struggle with empathy, expect special treatment, or lash out when criticized.Becoming narcissistic yourself (especially if you are the golden child).
- 10. Accepting That Their Parent Never Truly Loved Them This is perhaps the hardest realization: understanding that their parent’s “love” was conditional and self-serving. Example: An adult may spend years trying to gain their parent’s approval—buying them gifts, being overly accommodating—only to finally accept that their efforts will never be enough.

Narcissistic parent