Dealing with a narcissist.

Dealing with a narcissist can be extremely challenging. Narcissists have a way of draining people’s energy, making them feel miserable, and shifting all attention onto themselves. For many, dealing with a narcissist is simply too overwhelming, leading them to avoid the narcissist altogether. However, for others, such as a narcissist’s spouse or relative, avoidance may not be an option. For these individuals, life can feel like a living nightmare. The narcissist’s impulsivity and self-centered behavior can tear apart families, destroy workplace environments, and even destabilize entire communities or organizations. Their relentless craving for power, control and attention often leaves those around them feeling helpless, powerless, and emotionally drained.

Fortunately, there are effective strategies to reduce a narcissist’s influence in conversations, arguments, negotiations, and relationships. Successfully dealing with a narcissist involves regaining control over interactions, anticipating their manipulative tactics, and protecting your emotional well-being.

This page provides practical tips and coping strategies to make living with a narcissist significantly easier. If you find it difficult to put these strategies into practice, please don’t hesitate to contact us.

 

Do you want to know whether or not you identify with some (or all) of the NPD symptoms?

• Take the short version of the NPD test.
• Take the longer version of the NPD test.

 

 
For more information:

• What is narcissism?
• NPD symptoms.
• NPD Causes.
• Diagnosing NPD.
• NPD Treatment.
• Heal your own Narcissism – a self help guide.
• NPD test.
• NPD test short version
• How to deal with a narcissistic parent?
• Having a narcissistic child.
• Coping with a narcissistic mother-in-law.
• Having a Narcissistic Boss.
• Having a Narcissistic Coworker.
• Narcissism facts.
• Online treatment for narcissism or guidance for those living with a narcissist.
• Take me to the homepage.

 

At Barends Psychology Practice, we offer treatment for narcissistic personality disorder. Contact us to schedule a free initial appointment.

 

Dealing with a Narcissist: Tips & Tricks

Here are seven tips and tricks you can use to start dealing with a narcissist in a healthy and productive way.
 

Step 1: Identify the Type of Narcissist You’re Dealing With

Not all narcissists behave the same way. Research shows that there are either two or three narcissism subtypes [2],[3].
The Three Subtypes:

• The Malignant Narcissist – These individuals lack empathy, thrive on power, control, and intimidation. They display aggression, entitlement, and dominance. Example: A boss who belittles employees in meetings, takes credit for others’ work, and punishes anyone who questions their authority.
• The Fragile Narcissist – They use grandiosity as a defense mechanism to protect against insecurity, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. Example: A partner who constantly needs reassurance but becomes passive-aggressive if their flaws are pointed out.
• The High-Functioning Narcissist – These individuals use their narcissistic traits to succeed in life but still lack genuine empathy. Example: A CEO who thrives on recognition and power but neglects personal relationships.

 

The Two Subtypes:

• Narcissistic Grandiosity: characterized by arrogance, dominance, and a sense of superiority. They often come across confident, charismatic and assertive. Example: A customer who belittles a waiter, because he isn’t being served immediately.
• Narcissistic Vulnerability: characterized by insecurity, hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism and are often extremely self-conscious. Example: An employee who constantly praises his own work in meetings, and responds in a passive-aggressive way when being criticized.

The fragile narcissist and narcissistic vulnerability show a lot of overlap in symptoms and behaviours; narcissistic grandiosity and grandiose/malignant narcissist also show a lot of overlap in symptoms and behaviours.
While the high-functioning narcissist can often maintain a stable career and social life [3], the grandiose and fragile narcissists tend to create chaos and destruction—both in their own lives and the lives of those around them.
 

 

Step 2: Why Narcissists Treat People Differently

A narcissist’s behavior is not limited to just their subtype. Instead, how they treat you depends on two main factors:

• 1. Are you useful to them? If you provide them with money, status, admiration, or leverage, they will likely be kind and generous—at least for a while.
• 2. Are you close to them? The closer you are, the more abusive, manipulative, and controlling they become. Narcissists treat people close to them (relatives, romantic partners) differently from others (friends, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers) because those closest to them have the power to hurt them. They feel vulnerable around these individuals, as they may know things the narcissist finds embarrassing. The easiest way for a narcissist to keep close relationships at a safe distance is by attacking, gaslighting, and belittling them, as well as making them feel insecure about themselves.

 

How Narcissists Treat Different People

For Distant Friends, Acquaintances, and Colleagues:

• They appear friendly, social, and charismatic, but are also a little intimidating.
• Make negative jokes about your achievements in a “playful” way.

Example: A narcissistic coworker who acts supportive in public but subtly undermines your work behind your back.

 

For Close Friends, Family Members, and Romantic Partners:

• Their main goal: control, power, and admiration.
• If you are useful to them, they treat you with respect.
• If you challenge them, they respond with manipulation, anger, or silent treatment.

Example: A narcissistic sibling who acts supportive but sabotages your achievements out of jealousy.

 

Submissive Individuals:

• Do not experience many problems with the narcissist.
• If you oppose them, they may:
  • Become aggressive (verbally, non-verbally, or physically).
  • Play the victim (accuse you of selfishness, twist facts, cry for sympathy).
  • Use manipulation tactics such as gaslighting and splitting.

Example: A friend who reacts angrily if you cancel plans, then tells others you abandoned them.

 
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More Assertive Individuals:

• Experience frequent power struggles.
• Their assertive nature does not allow the narcissist to dominate without resistance, which upsets the narcissist.

Example: David is confident and speaks his mind, which threatens his narcissistic boss, Lisa. Because Lisa craves control, she frequently undermines David by dismissing his ideas in meetings, taking credit for his work, and creating unnecessary conflicts. She views David’s assertiveness as a challenge to her authority and ensures he is constantly caught in power struggles to wear him down.

 

How Narcissists Treat Romantic Partners

Romantic partners often suffer the most because they witness the narcissist’s true nature firsthand. The reason is simple: the closer you get to someone with NPD, the more vulnerable they feel and the more afraid they are that you will hurt them sooner or later. They expect to be treated by others in the same way as they treat people.

Common Narcissistic Relationship Patterns
1. Love-Bombing → Devaluation → Discard Cycle

• At first, the narcissist showers you with love and attention (love-bombing).
• Over time, they criticize, control, and belittle you (devaluation).
• Eventually, they discard you when you’re no longer useful.
• In case their partner decides to leave them before they can, they’ll start with the love-bombing again.

Example: A once charming and caring partner becomes cold, dismissive, and hypercritical. The moment you distance yourself from them, they shower you with love and attention again.
 
2. Gaslighting & Reality Manipulation

• Making you question your reality and doubt yourself. Scroll down for more information.
  Example:
  • “I never said that.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “You always overreact.”

 
3. Extreme Hypocrisy & Double Standards

• They demand loyalty but betray your trust without guilt.

Example: They threaten to leave constantly, but if you suggest separation, they act offended and demand an apology.

 

Why Romantic Partners Struggle to Leave

There are two main reasons romantic partners struggle to leave a narcissists:

• They can be charming, kind, and loving: Many partners of narcissists struggle to leave because they remember the charming, loving person they met at the beginning. This is part of the manipulation cycle—the narcissist only showed their best side at first because you were not close enough to see their true nature.
• Many romantic partners of narcissists had difficult childhoods where they felt neglected, rejected, abandoned, or unloved. As a result, they long for acceptance, love, and inclusion—these are their unmet needs.
  When a narcissist enters their life and love-bombs them, they finally feel accepted, loved, and included. This initial affection becomes addictive, and they may spend years longing to experience it again.
  However, once the narcissist begins to neglect them, they are left feeling just as they did in childhood—a familiar and painful cycle that keeps them emotionally trapped.

   
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  Step 3: Realize That the Narcissist You’re Dealing With Has Issues

  Many individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) had difficult childhoods—some lacked love, attention, care, and affection, while others received too much praise, admiration, and little to no criticism. The key factor here is that each child has different emotional needs; some require a lot of attention, while others do not need much at all [1].
  As a result, narcissism can develop due to:

  • 1. Excessive praise and entitlement, leading to grandiosity and superiority [1].
  • 2. Emotional neglect, leading to low self-esteem, depression, and a need to exploit others to gain validation [1].

  In the first case, the narcissist needs to see themselves as superior and craves constant admiration to maintain this self-image [3]. In the second case, the narcissist lacks love, empathy, and emotional awareness because they were never taught how to express or receive it. However, they may have learned manipulation and exploitation from observing their parents [3].
  Understanding that the narcissist has deep-seated issues can help you make sense of their behavior. However, this does not mean you should accept mistreatment or believe you can “fix” them.

   

  The Problem: They Don’t See Themselves as the Problem

  While narcissists have underlying emotional wounds, they are rarely self-aware and often deny they have issues. If confronted, they might:

  • Turn against you (becoming aggressive, belittling, or dismissive).
  • Give you the silent treatment or withdraw.
  • Gaslight you (deny events, twist facts, or make you question yourself).

  In situations where you must interact with a narcissist (e.g., at work, in a family dynamic, or a relationship), it’s crucial to strategize your interactions to protect your well-being.

   

  For those who prefer to watch a short video on this topic, we’ve created a concise and informative overview.

  https://youtu.be/c73QsjQO4FU

   

  Step 4: Setting Healthy Boundaries

  

  Why is it important to set boundaries with a narcissist? Without clear boundaries and consequences, a narcissist assumes they can do whatever they want. Setting limits helps establish what is acceptable and what isn’t in your interactions.

   
  How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist:
  1. Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly.

  Example: “I will not tolerate being yelled at. If you raise your voice, I will end the conversation.”

   
  2. Give one warning if they cross a boundary, so that they can’t act all surprised when they cross the same boundary again.

  Example: “If this happens again, I will take a break from communication for a week.”

   
  3. Enforce consequences without negotiation. Make sure the consequence takes away (some of) their power, control or attention, otherwise it is very likely that they will not care enough to change their behaviour.

  • If they cross the boundary again, follow through on the consequence.

  Example: If they call you excessively, block them for two weeks. If they break the no-contact rule, restart the time period.

   
  4. Expect retaliation.

  • Narcissists may react with anger, silent treatment, or guilt-tripping, just like children do.

  Example: A malignant narcissist might lash out and insult you, while a fragile narcissist might play the victim and say, “You’re being so unfair to me.”

  Key takeaway: Stay firm. The narcissist will eventually respect the boundary because they value control, power, and attention—losing access to you is a consequence they dislike.

   

  Step 5: Realize That They Cannot Offer You Everything You Need

  

  Many narcissists—especially in the beginning—come across as charming, kind, and funny, making it easy to believe they genuinely care. However, they struggle to understand or prioritize other people’s needs. Even when they recognize that someone requires emotional or physical support, they often think, “How can I benefit from this later?”

  If you expect a narcissist to:

  • Offer emotional support
  • Help you in times of need
  • Do you a favor without expecting something in return

  …then you will likely end up disappointed or find yourself “paying” for it later. Narcissists rarely give without an agenda.

   

  How to Protect Yourself from Disappointment

  • Assess what you truly need—and whether this person can provide it.
  • If they can’t meet your needs, stop expecting them to. Find support elsewhere.
  • Be cautious when they show interest in your personal life. Narcissists often ask a lot of questions—not out of genuine care, but to gather information they can later use against you.

   

  For Romantic Partners

  Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining. At times, they may be kind, loving, and supportive—but this is often temporary.

  • They may use your emotional needs against you after gaining your trust.
  • After a fight, they might be extra sweet—only to revert to cold or manipulative behavior within days.
  • They exploit weaknesses, which is why it’s best to keep your vulnerabilities private.

  Hiding your deepest needs and weaknesses will reduce their ability to manipulate you.

   

  How a Narcissist Turns a Friend into an Enemy

  If you stop catering to their ego, they may view you as a threat.

  • Challenge them? You become a rival.
  • Refuse to comply? You are disloyal and replaceable.

  Because of this, maintaining a friendship with a narcissist can be exhausting. They are quick to become disappointed and discard you for someone “better”—someone who feeds their ego without question.
   
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  Step 6: Stay Away from Mind Games

  

  Dealing with a narcissist becomes a lot easier when you stay away from their mind games. Why? Because these games are designed to:

  • 1. Make you do things you don’t want to do.
  • 2. Make you say things you didn’t intend to say.
  • 3. Give them control and power over you.

  Narcissists love mind games because it puts them in control—and control validates their superiority.
   
  How They Keep Control in Conversations

  • Changing the subject when they’re losing an argument.
  • Playing the victim to guilt-trip you.
  • Gaslighting (“That never happened.” “You’re overreacting.”)

   

  How to Handle Their Mind Games

  • 1. Recognize the game they’re playing. If they change tactics mid-conversation, call it out:
    “I noticed you changed the subject when I pointed out your behavior.”
  • 2. Expose their manipulation. They might deny it or accuse you of something else, but deep down, exposure makes them feel vulnerable—something they despise.
  • 3. Stay calm and disengage. Arguing will only feed their need for control. Instead, maintain emotional distance and refuse to participate in their drama.
  • 4. Ask for time to think about the topic, question, or accusation. This timeout weakens their manipulation, as it disrupts their game and gives you time to organize your thoughts.

  No matter what, do not give in to their demands—if you do, they will learn that going berserk gets them what they want, and they will continue using this tactic.
   
  Below are some common mind games narcissists play and practical strategies for dealing with them:

  • Changing the subject – The moment you are about to win the argument or gain the upper hand in the discussion, the narcissist will shift the topic in a way that puts them back in control and forces you to defend yourself—again. A good way to counter this mind game is to call it out directly:
    “Donald, I understand that you want to talk about that topic as well, but we are not finished with our current discussion yet. We can discuss your new topic after we’ve completed this one.”
    This approach acknowledges their point, making them feel heard, while firmly redirecting the conversation back to the original topic. Keep repeating this as needed.

   

  • Blaming you – By blaming you, the narcissist stays in control and keeps the upper hand. This tactic makes you feel constantly on the defensive, which leaves you vulnerable. In relationships, this is a particularly powerful and damaging mind game.

    It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming them in return, but this only fuels the conflict and gets you nowhere. A better approach is to shift the focus to problem-solving. If your partner blames you for something, immediately steer the conversation toward solutions rather than defending yourself. This prevents the narcissist from prolonging the blame game and demonstrates that you are not as vulnerable as they would like you to be.

    NOTE: Some narcissists become even angrier when you admit your mistakes or wrongdoings, as it reinforces their sense of entitlement to punish you. If this is the case, it is crucial not to admit to your mistakes in their presence, as they will use it against you.

   

  • Projection – Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly frustrating because they can be hypocritical. They may blame or criticize you for behaviors they engage in themselves. The reason they use projection is to shift attention away from their own actions. They succeed when they provoke a reaction—once you start defending yourself, you give them exactly what they want:
    • 1. They regain control.
    • 2. The focus shifts to you.

    What can you do? Some people advise walking away, which can be a wise choice in certain situations. In other cases, try discussing the behavior using “we” instead of directly accusing them. Another useful strategy is to document their behavior when they do the same to you. This can either shift the attention back to them or make the issue less significant. Additionally, propose a solution to the problematic behavior—if they suggest one themselves, you can use it as a reference when they exhibit the same behavior in the future.

   

  • Playing the victim – Although narcissists see themselves as perfect, they also enjoy playing the victim. They may do this to gain the upper hand in a situation or to attract attention.

    They often play the victim when:

    • You are upset about something they did.
    • You are angry with them.
    • They don’t get what they want.

    For example, if you are frustrated because they broke a promise, they may act deeply hurt by your reaction, attempting to make you feel guilty.
    Why do they do this? Because it shifts attention away from their bad behavior and toward their “victimhood.” Instead of facing negative attention for their actions, they receive positive attention, as you begin to feel guilty. Additionally, this tactic helps them regain control over the situation.

    How should you respond? Ignore their manipulation and refocus on their original wrongdoing. They may escalate their dramatics if you don’t engage, but setting firm boundaries will eventually discourage this behavior.

    Sometimes, however, narcissists simply crave more attention. They are more likely to play the victim when someone else is in the spotlight or the day after they’ve behaved especially well (being social and kind). In such cases, giving them a small amount of extra attention may be the easiest way to resolve the situation quickly.

   

  • Gaslighting – Dealing with a narcissist is particularly difficult because they frequently use gaslighting. Gaslighting is a technique in which they withhold information, replace it with falsehoods, and use denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lies to make you doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity. This allows them to maintain control and “persuade” you into accepting their version of reality.

    How can you protect yourself?

    • Do not rely solely on their information—verify facts independently.
    • Keep in mind that they may be manipulating the truth.
    • Trust your memory, and if necessary, write things down.

   

  • Interruption – Narcissists try to regain control of conversations by interrupting or speaking louder and louder. When you allow them to do this, you are at a disadvantage because it becomes harder for you to express your point.

    What can you do?

    • Firmly tell them they can speak after you finish.
    • Let them know you are not impressed by their shouting and expect them to communicate like an adult.

   

  • Silent Treatment – Narcissists use silent treatment to avoid certain topics and maintain dominance in a relationship. This tactic makes you feel guilty and compels you to approach them first to resolve the silence. The sooner you try to “fix” things, the sooner they regain control.

    How should you handle it?

    • Acknowledge their feelings briefly, but immediately return to the initial discussion.
    • Avoid spending too much time validating their emotions—it’s exactly what they want.

   

  • Using Long and Complex Sentences – Narcissists often use long-winded and overly complex language to:

    • 1. Demonstrate their supposed intelligence.
    • 2. Confuse you.
    • 3. Distract from the main topic.
    • 4. Manipulate you into agreeing with them, so they can use it against you later.

    How can you counter this?

    • Interrupt and ask for short, clear answers.

     
     

    Step 7: Don’t Try to “Win Over” the Narcissist

    Winning a narcissist over isn’t a realistic goal because they only care about themselves. If a narcissist seems to like you, it’s likely because you:

    • Boost their ego.
    • Make them feel important.
    • Can be exploited emotionally, mentally, or physically.

    Once they find someone who better suits their needs—or if they can no longer use you—they will discard you without hesitation. The best approach is to maintain a safe distance.

    When it comes to business or responsibilities, think carefully before making decisions. Never decide on the spot—take time to weigh the pros and cons. If they pressure you, consider it a red flag. Also, avoid accepting gifts or favors from them, as they will use these as leverage later. When the time comes, they will remind you of their generosity and demand something in return—something bigger, riskier, or designed to entangle you further in their web.

     

    Bonus: Avoid Challenging the Narcissist’s Desires and Wishes

    Challenging a narcissist can make you their enemy. Many narcissists enjoy causing suffering, humiliating others, and maintaining control. If they see you as a threat, they will do everything in their power to make you suffer. Anything they can use against you, they will use against you.

    How can you protect yourself?

    • Avoid direct confrontation.
    • Stay out of unnecessary conflicts.
    • Sometimes, the best strategy is keeping your distance rather than engaging.

     

    Dealing with a Narcissist – Literature

    • [1] The handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatment. W. Keith Cambell & Joshua D. Miller, 2011.
    • [2] Pincus, A. L., Ansell, E. B., Pimentel, C. A., Cain, N. M., Wright, A. G., & Levy, K. N. (2009). Initial construction and validation of the Pathological Narcissism Inventory. Psychological assessment, 21, 365.
    • [3] Russ, E., Shedler, J., Bradley, R., & Westen, D. (2008). Refining the construct of narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic criteria and subtypes. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 1473-1481.