Having a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

A relationship can become significantly more challenging when you have a narcissistic mother-in-law (or father-in-law). Their involvement, combined with how you and your partner respond to them, can strain even the strongest partnerships. The relationship between a narcissistic parent and their child tends to be either overly intense or almost nonexistent. This article focuses on situations where contact with a narcissistic mother-in-law is ongoing.

Common Behaviors of a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law:
If your mother-in-law exhibits narcissistic traits, you might notice the following:

• Difficulty setting boundaries: Your partner may struggle to establish healthy limits. Example: Your partner feels guilty for not answering their mother’s calls immediately, even if you are in the middle of something important.
• Boundary violations: Your in-laws may frequently overstep your boundaries. Example: You and your partner agree not to have unannounced visitors, but she still shows up without warning and insists on coming in.
• Dislike or hostility: They might openly or subtly disapprove of you.Example: She constantly makes backhanded compliments like, “You must be very confident to wear that outfit.”
• Criticism and lack of praise: You and your partner may face frequent criticism while receiving little to no compliments. Example: She comments on your cooking, housekeeping, or parenting but never acknowledges your efforts or achievements.
• Marriage sabotage: They may attempt to harm or undermine your relationship. Example: She tells your partner, “You were much happier before you got married,” or, “Are you sure you made the right choice?”

Additionally, they often play the victim, making it difficult to feel at ease around them. Despite these challenges, supporting your partner is crucial for the health of your relationship. This article provides guidance on navigating your partner’s journey through different stages of realization (unawareness, realization, acceptance, adjustment, and change) and offers tips to protect both of you.

 

What to expect when you have a narcissistic mother-in-law?

 

 

For more information:

• What is narcissism?
• NPD symptoms.
• NPD Causes.
• Diagnosing NPD.
• NPD Treatment.
• Heal your own Narcissism – a self help guide.
• NPD test
• NPD test short version
• How to live with a narcissistic person?
• How to deal with a narcissistic parent?
• Having a narcissistic child.
• Dealing with a Narcissistic Boss.
• Having a Narcissistic Coworker.
• Facts about narcissism.
• Online treatment for narcissism or guidance for those living with a narcissist.
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At Barends Psychology Practice, narcissistic personality disorder treatment is offered. Contact us to schedule a first, free appointment.

 

Stage 1: Unawareness

Children of narcissistic parents are often subjected to emotional abuse, including manipulation, blackmail, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping. These tactics are used to gain control, power, and validation. As children, they naturally assume their parents are always right, as they have no other frame of reference. Some may even perceive their narcissistic parent as wonderful.

 

Comparison With Other Families

As these children grow into adolescence or adulthood, they may notice that other parents are kind and supportive. This realization can highlight the dysfunction in their own family, but acknowledging this truth is difficult. Admitting that their parent isn’t as loving as they once believed can feel like their entire reality has been a lie. Many defend or downplay the narcissistic behavior, which can be frustrating for an outsider who sees the situation more clearly.

 

Navigating Your Relationship With Narcissistic In-Laws

Control is extremely important to people with narcissistic tendencies. Driving a wedge between you and your partner allows them to regain power over their child (your partner). They may do this in two ways:

 

1. Undermining You

A narcissistic mother-in-law may subtly insult you, make you feel unwelcome, or act cold toward you. A natural response is to become defensive, but this often backfires. Actively opposing her or frequently complaining about her behavior gives her control over the situation. Narcissists in control are particularly dangerous. Complaining about her might make your partner feel forced to choose between the two of you. In most cases, a narcissistic mother-in-law will portray herself as the victim, increasing the likelihood that your partner will side with her.

 
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Be aware that any significant person in your partner’s life reduces the narcissistic parent’s perceived control and attention. This perceived loss is intolerable for them, making you an enemy in their eyes.

 

2. Winning You Over

Sometimes, a narcissistic mother-in-law will try to manipulate you into taking her side. She may act charming and friendly toward you while privately or publicly criticizing your partner. Initially, you might not recognize this strategy, which can make you doubt your partner’s complaints. You may think, “But my in-law seems like such a kindhearted person.” If this resonates with you, you may not yet be fully aware of the dynamics of dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law.

 

Key Behaviors to Watch For

• Over-involvement in your partner’s life. Example: She demands to know every detail of your partner’s daily activities, from work meetings to weekend plans, and gets upset if she’s left out.
• Frequent, unsolicited contact (calls, visits, etc.) Example: She calls your partner multiple times a day, even for trivial matters, and insists on visiting unannounced.
• Ignoring or disrespecting your boundaries. Example: Despite being asked not to discuss private matters with extended family, she still shares your personal business with others.
• Jealous or manipulative actions aimed at isolating you from your partner. Example: She invites your partner to exclusive family events and subtly discourages them from bringing you along.
• The need to be the center of attention, even when inappropriate. Example: At your wedding, she interrupts a special moment to make an announcement about herself.
• A great day with them is usually followed by mood swings, anger, or sadness. Example: After a family dinner where everything seemed fine, she later calls your partner in tears, saying she feels neglected.
• Disappointing reactions to big announcements (e.g., marriage, pregnancy, buying a house, moving abroad). Example: When you announce your engagement, she responds flatly with, “Oh, I guess that’s nice,” instead of showing excitement.
• Sarcastic jokes that make you feel unwelcome, unloved, or disliked. Example: She jokes, “You must have really twisted my son’s arm to get him to propose.”
• Anger or resentment when you or your partner disagrees with them. Example: She lashes out when you suggest a different holiday plan than what she expected, calling you “selfish.”
• Guilt-tripping your partner into doing things for them. Example: She frequently says things like, “If you really loved me, you’d spend more time with me instead of your spouse.”
• Twisting or changing facts to suit their narrative. Example: She tells relatives that you were rude to her, when in reality, you simply stood up for yourself.
• Making nasty comments about you only when your partner is not around. Example: When your partner steps away, she says, “I don’t think you’re good enough for my child,” but denies ever saying it when confronted.

 
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What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

If your partner is not yet ready to acknowledge that their parent may have narcissistic traits, it’s crucial to approach the issue with patience and care. Directly confronting your partner with this idea may trigger a defensive reaction, leading to an argument where they feel compelled to protect their parent.

1. Focus on Observations, Not Labels
Instead of labeling their parent as a narcissist, highlight specific behaviors when they occur. Frame your comments as neutral observations rather than criticisms.
Example: Instead of saying, “Your mother is so self-absorbed; she never listens to us,” try, “I noticed that when we were telling her about our vacation, she quickly changed the subject to her own experiences.”
This approach helps your partner see the behavior for what it is without feeling pressured to immediately accept a label.

 

2. Be Supportive of Your Partner
Your partner may express frustration with their parent without fully realizing the depth of the problem. Listen, validate their feelings, and reassure them that they are not at fault.
Example: If your partner says, “I feel guilty because my mom keeps saying I don’t call her enough,” you could respond, “That sounds tough. It’s not fair for her to make you feel guilty for living your own life.”
Over time, your partner may begin to recognize the pattern of manipulation on their own.

 

3. Occasionally Draw Parallels to Narcissistic Behavior
You can gently introduce the concept of narcissistic tendencies without directly accusing their parent of being a narcissist.
Example: Instead of saying, “Your dad is a narcissist,” try, “It’s difficult for me to talk to your dad because he always takes over the conversation and makes everything about himself. That kind of self-centered behavior can be frustrating, especially when I want to share something important.”
This keeps the discussion open-ended and encourages your partner to connect the dots at their own pace.

 

4. Maintain Emotional Distance
Regardless of your partner’s realization process, protect yourself by maintaining emotional distance. Don’t take your in-law’s words personally—whether they offer a rare compliment or an insult, remember that their behavior is not truly about you.
Example: If your mother-in-law suddenly praises your cooking after years of criticism, don’t get too excited—it may be an attempt to manipulate you into seeing her favorably. On the other hand, if she makes a snide remark about your career, remind yourself that her words stem from control and insecurity, not from a fair assessment of you.

 

5. Accept That It’s Not About You
Your narcissistic mother-in-law’s hostility isn’t personal. She would likely treat anyone her child chooses the same way. Understanding this can help you detach emotionally from her negativity.
Example: If she constantly undermines you at family gatherings, consider that her issue isn’t with you specifically—it’s with the loss of control over her child’s life.
 

In Short:

• Avoid confronting your partner with accusations about their parent.
• Subtly point out behaviors instead of labeling them as narcissistic.
• Support your partner by listening and validating their experiences.
• Keep an emotional distance—don’t take their parent’s words to heart.
• Remember, their behavior is about control, not about you personally.

By taking this approach, you allow your partner to come to their own realizations while protecting your own emotional well-being.
 
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Stage 2: Realization

This is the stage where your partner begins to realize that their parent is narcissistic. This realization often comes as a shock and can have a profound impact. Suddenly, much of what they believed about their life feels like a lie or only partially true. Their trust in others may be shaken, and their self-esteem can take a significant hit. For some children of narcissists, this realization is so overwhelming that they struggle to identify who they truly are.

At the same time, the puzzle pieces start to fall into place. Situations that once seemed confusing now make sense:

• “Why is Mom always super friendly to others but not to me?”
• “Why do I always feel like Mom is jealous of me?”

These insights can be deeply upsetting, as your partner may realize that their parent never loved them in the way they had believed.

For you, things may also become clearer. If your narcissistic mother-in-law is jealous of your partner (her own child), you might start to see the manipulative games she plays. Feelings of confusion, anger, and shame are common during this time. When your partner is ready, talk openly about your feelings and the situations that have occurred.

 

How Does Life Change When Your Partner Realizes They Have a Narcissistic Parent?

Stage 2 can be the most confusing stage. While both you and your partner might find answers to long-standing questions, your partner will likely have even more doubts and uncertainties. You may feel ready to take action and set healthy boundaries, but your partner might feel irritable, numb, angry, sad, and confused—all at the same time.

At this point, your partner may not yet be able to move forward. Without good communication, this stage can easily lead to a small crisis in your relationship. Be patient, understanding, and supportive as you navigate this challenging time together.

 
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What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law?

The worst thing you can say to your partner during this time is:

• “I told you so…”
• “This is what I’ve been saying all along.”

At this moment, it’s not about you or your observations—it’s about your partner and their feelings. Here are a few ways to support them:

• Give your partner time to process what they’ve realized.
• Avoid pushing for immediate changes —your suggestions could backfire. Instead, allow your partner to come up with ideas at their own pace.
• Be empathetic: “I can imagine it’s a shock to realize that X is a narcissist.”
• Provide resources: Find informative articles about narcissism and the impact on children. Share them with your partner, but don’t force the information on them.
• Help with daily responsibilities: Take on tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, or putting the kids to bed to give them space to process.
• Don’t constantly ask, “How are you feeling?” —this can be frustrating and unhelpful.
• Avoid vague offers like, “Is there anything I can do for you now?” Instead, take initiative with specific, helpful actions.
• Start labeling certain behaviors as narcissistic: This can help you emotionally detach when the narcissistic parent insults or manipulates you or your partner.

 

Stage 3: Acceptance, Adjustment, and Change

Acceptance, adjustment, and change overlap significantly, so they are discussed together here.
Realizing that a parent is narcissistic is one thing—accepting this new reality is entirely different. It can be painful to accept that a healthy parent-child relationship is impossible. It’s also difficult to come to terms with past behaviors, comments, or manipulations.

Your partner may accept this reality on Monday, feel furious about it on Tuesday, and feel heartbroken on Wednesday. This emotional cycle can persist for a long time, with occasional relapses—especially if the narcissistic mother-in-law (or father) continues to create new complications.

 

Your Partner’s Reaction

Your partner’s response to this realization can vary greatly. Some children of narcissists become deeply insecure and need constant reassurance. This insecurity likely stems from the painful realization that the parent-child relationship they believed in was an illusion. Questions like, “How can I trust my intuition?” or “What else about my past was a lie?” can be overwhelming.

During this stage, it’s essential to support your partner.

• Help rebuild their self-esteem—encourage them to trust their own instincts rather than rely solely on external validation.
• Encourage self-trust over reassurance: Explain that constantly seeking validation doesn’t promote confidence in the long run. You can say something like:
  “I know this is hard, but I want to help you trust yourself rather than always looking for reassurance from me.”
• Be prepared for emotional ups and downs: Each new realization brings a wave of emotions that needs to be processed. This can lead to mood swings, exhaustion, and a need for more rest.

As your partner adjusts, they may undergo significant personal changes. This could include:

• A cooling or complete cutoff of their relationship with their narcissistic parent.
• Increased self-confidence and a stronger sense of self.
• Pursuing dreams or goals they previously put aside.
• Setting firmer boundaries—both in their family and possibly even in your relationship, which could lead to new frustrations or adjustments.

This period of growth can be challenging, but ultimately, it can lead to a healthier, more authentic life for both of you.

 

How Does This Affect Me?

To prevent misunderstandings, invest in clear communication. Have in-depth discussions about expectations and how to handle different situations. For example, if you know family gatherings are a source of tension, agree in advance on how long you’ll stay or how to respond to certain comments. Avoid making assumptions, as these often lead to conflict.

If you experience frustration, sadness, or helplessness, seek external support. This might include confiding in a trusted friend, keeping a journal to process your emotions, or joining online support groups where you can connect with others facing similar challenges. Therapy or coaching can also provide valuable guidance.

To protect yourself, establish firm boundaries with your in-laws. This might mean limiting contact, setting clear rules about visits, or choosing not to engage in certain discussions. The more emotional distance you maintain, the easier it will be to avoid being drawn into their manipulative behaviors. This boundary will help preserve your emotional well-being while allowing you to better support your partner.

 
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What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law?

Supporting your partner while also taking care of yourself is essential. Here are some practical steps:

• Have an open conversation about expectations. For example, discuss how to handle interactions with your mother-in-law as a team. Should you both attend family events, or would it be better if your partner handled them alone? Having a plan can help prevent conflicts.
• Find someone to talk to. This could be a therapist, a support group, or a close friend who understands your situation. Your partner may not be in the right emotional state to offer you support, so having an external outlet is crucial.
• Allow your partner to feel down or withdrawn. Mood swings are common when dealing with a difficult parent. Understand that their emotional struggles are likely not a reflection of your relationship. Be patient and offer reassurance without taking it personally.
• Give your partner space and alone time. Reprocessing their emotions and experiences is mentally exhausting. Encourage activities that help them decompress, whether it’s a walk, a hobby, or simply quiet time.
• Recognize that your partner may change during this process. As they set boundaries and gain perspective, their personality and reactions may shift. Be flexible and adjust to these changes together rather than resisting them.

By prioritizing both your well-being and your partner’s, you’ll be better equipped to handle the challenges of a narcissistic mother-in-law.