Having a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law: What Can You Do, Expect, and How Does It Affect Your Relationship?

Narcissistic Mother-in-Law: Understanding the Dynamics.

Narcissism facts -infographic

A relationship can become significantly more challenging when you have a narcissistic mother-in-law (or father-in-law). Their involvement, combined with the way you and your partner respond to them, can strain even the strongest partnerships. The relationship between a narcissistic parent and their children tends to be either overly intense or almost nonexistent. This article focuses on situations where contact with a narcissistic mother-in-law is ongoing.
Common Behaviors of a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law:
If your mother-in-law exhibits narcissistic traits, you might notice the following:

  • Difficulty setting boundaries: Your partner may struggle to establish healthy limits.
  • Boundary violations: Your in-laws may frequently overstep your boundaries.
  • Dislike or hostility: They might openly or subtly disapprove of you.
  • Criticism and lack of praise: You and your partner may face frequent criticism while receiving little to no compliments.
  • Marriage sabotage: They may attempt to harm or undermine your relationship.

Additionally, they often play the victim, making it difficult to feel at ease around them. Despite these challenges, supporting your partner is crucial for the health of your relationship. This article provides guidance for navigating your partner’s journey through different stages of realization (unawareness, realization, acceptance, adjustment, and change) and offers tips to protect both of you.
 


 
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At Barends Psychology Practice, narcissistic personality disorder treatment is offered. Contact us to schedule a first, free appointment.

 

Stage 1: Unawareness

Children of narcissistic parents are often subjected to emotional abuse, including manipulation, blackmail, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping. These tactics are used to gain control, power, and satisfaction. For a child, it’s normal to assume their parents are always right, as they lack a frame of comparison. Some may even perceive their narcissistic parent as wonderful.
 

Comparison With Other Families


As these children grow into adolescence or adulthood, they may notice other parents being kind and supportive. This can highlight the dysfunction in their own family, but acknowledging this truth is challenging. Admitting that their parent isn’t as loving as they believed can feel like their entire reality is a lie. Many defend or downplay the narcissistic behavior, leading to frustration for you as an outsider who sees the situation more clearly.
 

Navigating Your Relationship With Narcissistic In-Laws

Being in control is important to people with narcissistic tendencies. Driving a wedge between you and your partner creates an opportunity to gain more control over their child (your partner). They may do this by (1) behaving nasty to you OR (2) by trying to win you over.
(1) Subtle comments that leave you feeling insulted, unwanted, or not accepted are common examples of such nasty behavior. A natural response would be to react defensive to their behavior. By actively opposing your mother-in-law (or by frequently complaining about her behavior), she achieves exactly what she wants: control of the situation. A narcissist in control is particularly dangerous. Complaining or opposing her might lead your partner to feel forced to choose between the two of you. Nine out of ten times, your narcissistic mother-in-law will portray herself as the victim, increasing the likelihood that your partner will side with her.

Be aware that every significant person in your partner’s life reduces the narcissistic parent’s perceived control over their child and the attention they receive from them. This perceived loss of control and attention is intolerable to them, making you an enemy in their eyes.

(2) Sometimes, they try to drive a wedge between you and their child by trying to win you over. They achieve this by being outwardly charming and friendly to you while either publicly or confidentially disparaging your partner (their child). Initially, you might not recognize this strategy, while your partner suffers from the treatment they receive. It’s even possible that you might begin doubting your partner’s complaints, thinking, “But my in-law seems like such a kindhearted person.” If this resonates with you, it’s likely that you are not yet fully aware of the dynamics of dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law.
 
Key behaviors to watch for include:

  • Over-involvement in your partner’s life.
  • Frequent, unsolicited contact (calls, visits, etc.).
  • Ignoring or disrespecting your boundaries.
  • Jealous or manipulative actions aimed at isolating you from your partner.
  • They need to be the center of attention, even when it is inappropriate.
  • A great day with them is usually followed by a breakdown on their side (moodiness, anger, or sadness).
  • They respond disappointingly to big announcements (e.g., marriage, pregnancy, buying a house, or moving abroad).
  • Their sarcastic jokes often make you feel unwelcome, unloved, unwanted, or disliked.
  • They become upset or angry when you or your partner disagrees with them.
  • They guilt-trip your partner into doing things for them.
  • They change or twist facts to suit their narrative.
  • They make nasty comments about you only when your partner is not around.

 
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What to do when you have a narcissistic mother-in-law?

If your partner is not ready to acknowledge that their parent may have narcissistic personality disorder, it’s important to approach this issue with patience and care. Avoid directly confronting your partner with this idea, as it will likely lead to a heated argument where your partner defends the narcissistic parent.
Instead, focus on the details: each time the narcissistic parent exhibits narcissistic behavior, mention it subtly to your partner. Frame it as an observation without judgment. At the same time, be supportive of your partner. When they complain, listen and show understanding. If they express frustration about the narcissist, reassure them that they are not to blame.
 
Occasionally, you can draw a parallel between narcissistic behavior and their parent’s actions, but avoid outright labeling their parent as a narcissist. For example, you might say: “It’s difficult for me to talk to your dad because he always takes over the conversation and talks about himself. This narcissistic behavior can be frustrating, especially when I want to share wonderful news with him.” In this way, you can point out certain behaviors as narcissistic without labeling your in-law directly.
 
In short: If you suspect you have a narcissistic mother-in-law, don’t force your partner to confront this realization prematurely. Allow them to reach their own conclusions. At the same time, maintain your distance. Don’t take everything your in-law says at face value—accept compliments with a grain of salt, and don’t take insults personally. Remember, it’s not truly about you, but about their resistance to anyone their child dates, which could be anyone.
 

Stage 2: Realization

This is the stage where your partner begins to realize that their parent is narcissistic. This realization often comes as a shock and can have a profound impact on your partner. Suddenly, much of what they believed about their life feels like a lie or only partially true. Their trust in others may be shaken, and their self-esteem can take a significant blow. For some children of narcissists, this realization is so overwhelming that they struggle to identify who they truly are.

At the same time, the puzzle pieces start to fall into place. Situations that previously seemed confusing now make sense: “Why is Mom always super friendly to others but not to me?” or “Why do I always feel like Mom is jealous of me?” These insights can be deeply upsetting, as your partner may realize that their parent never loved them in the way they had believed.

For you, things may also become clearer. If your narcissistic mother-in-law is jealous of your partner (their child), you might recognize that they are playing manipulative games. Feelings of confusion, anger, and shame are common during this time. When your partner is ready, talk openly about your feelings and the situations that have occurred.
 
How Does Our Life Change When Your Partner Has a Narcissistic Parent and Just Starts Realizing This?
Stage 2 can be the most confusing stage. While both you and your partner might find answers to long-standing questions, your partner will likely have even more doubts and uncertainties. While you may feel ready to take action and set healthy boundaries, your partner might become irritable, numb, angry, sad, and confused—all at the same time.
At this point, your partner may not yet be able to move forward. Without good communication, this stage can easily lead to a small crisis in your relationship. Be patient, understanding, and supportive as you navigate this challenging time together.
 
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What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law?

The worst thing you can say to your partner during this time is something along the lines of: “I told you so…” or “This is what I’ve been saying all along.” At this moment, it’s not about you or your observations—it’s about your partner and their feelings. Here are a few things you can do to support them:

  • Give your partner some time to process what they’ve realized.
  • Avoid demanding immediate changes or actions, as your suggestions could backfire. Instead, allow your partner to come up with ideas at their own pace.
  • Be empathetic: “I can imagine it’s a shock to realize that X is a narcissist.”
  • Find informative articles about narcissism and children of narcissists. Print them or share them with your partner, but do not force these resources on them.
  • Take on some of your partner’s daily responsibilities at home (e.g., grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, or putting the kids to bed) to give them the space they need to process.
  • Don’t constantly ask your partner how they’re feeling—it can be annoying and isn’t particularly helpful.
  • Avoid asking, “Is there anything I can do for you now?”
  • Start labeling certain behaviors as typical of narcissists. This can help you emotionally detach when they insult or manipulate you and/or your partner.

 

Stage 3: Acceptance, Adjustment, and Change

Acceptance, adjustment, and change overlap significantly, so they are discussed together here.
Realizing that a parent is narcissistic is one thing, but accepting this “new” reality is entirely different. It can be difficult to accept that a healthy parent-child relationship is impossible. It’s also challenging to come to terms with certain behaviors, comments, or ways the narcissistic parent interacts with others. Your partner might accept this reality on Monday, get furious about it on Tuesday, and feel heartbroken on Wednesday. This cycle can persist for a long time, with occasional relapses because your narcissistic mother-in-law (or father) may continue adding new complications to this stage.
 

Your Partner’s Reaction

Your partner’s response to this realization can vary greatly. Some children of narcissists become very insecure and need constant reassurance from those around them. This insecurity likely stems from their new reality, where they must confront that the parent-child relationship they believed in was an illusion, and their upbringing was far from what they thought. This raises difficult questions, such as: “How can I trust my intuition?”
During this stage, it’s essential to support your partner. Help them rebuild their self-esteem, but also discuss the importance of limiting their need for reassurance. Let them know that constantly seeking validation does not promote growth or confidence. Be clear: explain that you won’t always reassure them, not out of neglect but to help them regain their self-trust.

Your partner will likely continue to ask questions and search for answers. This process is critical for them—it helps put all the puzzle pieces together. However, this quest can be emotionally draining for both of you. Each new realization often brings a wave of emotions that requires reprocessing, consuming significant energy. This can lead to mood swings, exhaustion, and longer periods of sleep.

As your partner adjusts to their new understanding of the situation, they may experience significant changes. Sometimes this means that the relationship with the narcissistic mother-in-law cools significantly or even ends. These changes could also impact your partner’s self-esteem and outlook on life. They may become more confident, pursue their dreams, or set firmer boundaries, which could also lead to frustrations or disagreements in your relationship.
 

How Does This Affect Me?

To prevent misunderstandings, invest in clear communication. Have in-depth discussions about what to expect and how to handle different situations. Avoid making assumptions, as these often lead to conflict.

Regarding your own feelings of frustration, sadness, or helplessness, seek external support. This might include confiding in a trusted friend, keeping a journal, or joining online support groups.

To protect yourself, create distance between you and your in-laws. The more distance you maintain, the easier it will be to avoid being emotionally drawn into their manipulative behaviors. This boundary will help preserve your emotional well-being while allowing you to better support your partner.
 
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What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law?

During this stage, it’s essential to be there for your partner while also taking care of yourself. Here are some tips:

  • Have an open conversation about the expectations you have of one another. This helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps situations from escalating.
  • Find someone to talk to—someone who will listen to you. It’s important for you to have an outlet as well, especially since your partner may not be the right person to support you at the moment.
  • Allow your partner to feel down or depressed. Understand that these mood swings are temporary and most likely not a reflection of your relationship.
  • Give your partner some space and alone time. Reprocessing their emotions and experiences takes a lot of energy, and they may need solitude to work through it.
  • Be mindful that your partner will likely change during this process, and recognize that you’ll need to adjust to these changes as well.